Les Boom!

Is it just me or is everyone a lesbian nowadays [or at least bisexual]. I'm not talking about experimentation, I'm talking about check the box here, scream out from the mountains, full-blown LESBIANISM. My question is why?

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against anyone's sexual orientation. Honestly, I don't really give a damn about anything unless it affects me. I'm selfish that way. But I mean, it's something that is easily noticed. The Gay Pride Parade alone shows how much of a force they have just in NY. Then all around the country, you see pictures of the happy lesbian couples getting marred in states that allow.

It's just like, where are they all coming from? Is it because they feel like it's more accepted? It's no longer taboo to be a lesbian and now everyone can be free about it? With media pillars like Ellen DeGeneres & Cynthia Nixon being open about their sexual preferences, everyone is just okay with it. [Because of course celebrities set the fuxking trend.] There's also the fact that it's more open in television. Before it used to be guys doing gay things to each other. And parents protested the hell out of that. Now we have shows like the L-Word, which is highly addictive, to encourage females to embrace their sexuality.

Are more girls just turning to lesbianism as a way to heal their hearts broken in heterosexual relationships? There's been a lot of man-hating lately. Keyshia Cole saw her record sales dive because she's on some real love shxt. Nobody is feeling that. Everywhere I go, all I hear is "niggas ain't shxt!" Guess, women are...

IDK. I'm actually happy about this increase. Woman more than double the amount of men on this earth. More lesbians = less competition = more guys for me. LMAO. But I was just curious.

Now I have to find out if there's been a boom in gay men. I think it's the case in NY is not more gay men, just more out of the closet. But at least they're not undercover anymore. Cheers to that! Because gay guys make the BEST friends. They're good at keeping secrets ;]

P.S. - If you're offended, speak on it. But don't be all pissed off, cursing & shxt. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Peanuts for Giants

Mediocrity. It's a word people don't use often. I think it scares them. Yet that it the state we're in now. Everyone is mediocre at best. Everyone is settling. Whether it's at their place of work, in their personal relationships, or the education. It's suddenly okay that your job is paying you way less than you deserve. It's okay that your partner had a one-night stand. It's okay that you got a C⁺ instead of a B⁺. Why?

It's a question I find myself asking continuously. Look at the economy. You want a job right? Then make one. Start a business! Now is the perfect time with the government throwing out money. Yet people seem hesitant to take that first step. Everyone is afraid of failure. The problem is that with failure comes experience, which is worth just as much as winning. Experience helps you fix the bad & keep the good.

I'm not saying be stupid. If you went to school for communication, don't think of opening a medical practice. I'm saying evaluate yourself, pick out your strong suits and find/create a job that is both appealing and attainable. You can do something well. Everyone can. Now you have to find something that caters to your best qualities.

Being subdued by mediocrity is not an option. It shows a lack of imagination or passion. What if slaves were happy just being clothed & fed? Yeah, that's an extreme, but it's the same concept. Being complacent leads to stagnation. A total stop. Contentment with things below your means, wants, desires, objections, and goals.

My mother told me people being complacent is what brought the economy to where it is now. I believe she's right. We're slaves to our fears. Arrested with terror. Selling our self-worth for way below the price. And the chains hold tight.

P.S. - I swear I'll blog more & read more blogs. Mainly because I'm bored at work. LOL

Emotionless

"Don't look so sad. And mad. You're a pretty lady. He's not worth it."
- random gentleman on the train.

It's amazing how other people can look at you and read your thoughts. I got on the train hurt, angry, confused, upset and just plain mad. At him. And even now as I write this, I'm still thinking about him. I'm wondering what he's thinking. How he feels. What he wants. It makes me sick. To actually care about him as much as I care about myself, maybe even more. It's foreign to me. Like I've been infected with something I can't get rid of. Now I see what Rogue from the X-Men feels. I don't like.

"Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you. Changes its mind."
- Ingrid, from one of my favorite books.

Sometimes I believe it's so true. You put your all into something and then it's just different. Not bad, just different. Fleeting thoughts of what was and what is and what could be. Tired of the worry and always trying to be there unselfish. Some days I just want to take back what I had alone. The freedom to feel what I want. Instead, I'm forced to worry about another.

And then all these thoughts come. Was it right? Was it meant to be? Is this a mistake? Can we fix this? Am I losing me?

I don't know. All I know is it's after 12 and I'm wide awake.

Kinda wish I was emotionless. . .

And the worst part is I feel all this and it isn't as if he cheated on me or anything like that.
I think that would kill me. . .and him.

Where Am I Going?

I think about this all the time. I'm pretty much obsessed with these thoughts. I feel like I'm spending all these days sitting in school. And for what? Will it actually help me get a job? I guess that's why I didn't want to go away. I just felt like what's the point. I like to party, but I like thinking about my future way more. And why spend thousands of dollars on school when I can stay here & get the same education. Maybe even better because NY is the best place for life experiences.

I expect so much of myself. And I'm always afraid. Afraid I won't live up to my own standards. It drives me crazy sometimes. I try to sit back and let life happen. But I've never been that type of person and I don't believe I ever will be. When I want something, I go get it. It's that simple.

But what do I do if what I want is out of reach? IDK. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. I feel like my future goals are CURRENTLY unattainable. It scares the shxt out of me. What will I be doing two years from now? Hopefully, walking across a big ass stage w| a kool aid smile on my face. After that, I'm not sure.

And THAT scares me. . .

Maybe It's Misinterpretation Not Miscommunication

Yesterday night I was speaking to one of my ex's on the phone. Somehow, we got onto the topic of dating and what it means.

Him: First dates are expensive. You take her somewhere trying to act all gentleman-like to please her. Everyone just expects a good impression. It's too much of a hassle. Especially since for most guys [excluding myself & a many others] it doesn't end in you getting what you want: the drawers.
Me: Since when was dating synonymous with sex? Sex is usually synonymous with a relationship. In my book at least.
Him: No, dating means we're not exclusive but you should still give it up ASAP. Like, why am i spending all this money to take you here & there for nothing?
Me: That's what dating is about. Getting to know where a person likes to go. What they like to eat. What you have in common. Your similarities basically. And your differences. And see if you can make a relationship out of it.
Him: Why can't I like you, start a relationship, and then get to know you? Why does dating even have to be involved? It encompasses the same things as a so called "relationship" right?
Me: NO! One, dating is not exclusive. I could be DATING three boys at the same time. A relationship is a commitment. Two, wouldn't you want to know someone is psycho before you start spending extended hours with them alone? This is what dating assists with.
Him: Why do you always assume everyone is crazy.
Me: Because I dated you.
Him: Funny. But as to exclusivity, all relationships aren't exclusive. Open relationships? Duh. And two, your date could be someplace where you're alone. That's usually what you want. So what's the difference?
Me: Idk. (Yes I said idk) Dating to me means nothing serious, non-exclusive, getting to know each other fun.
Him: To me [currently] it means nothing serious, non-exclusive, getting to know each other fun with sex and other perks included. Especially if I'm constantly putting out money.
Me: I guess it's just different interpretations. Maybe that's what's wrong with relationships. People go in thinking one thing about something and the other party comes in with a whole different idea about the same thing.
Him: First, I'm upset I understood what you just said. Two, I believe you're right.

Wow. What if we're all just communicating the wrong thing to each other. . .