Emotionless

"Don't look so sad. And mad. You're a pretty lady. He's not worth it."
- random gentleman on the train.

It's amazing how other people can look at you and read your thoughts. I got on the train hurt, angry, confused, upset and just plain mad. At him. And even now as I write this, I'm still thinking about him. I'm wondering what he's thinking. How he feels. What he wants. It makes me sick. To actually care about him as much as I care about myself, maybe even more. It's foreign to me. Like I've been infected with something I can't get rid of. Now I see what Rogue from the X-Men feels. I don't like.

"Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you. Changes its mind."
- Ingrid, from one of my favorite books.

Sometimes I believe it's so true. You put your all into something and then it's just different. Not bad, just different. Fleeting thoughts of what was and what is and what could be. Tired of the worry and always trying to be there unselfish. Some days I just want to take back what I had alone. The freedom to feel what I want. Instead, I'm forced to worry about another.

And then all these thoughts come. Was it right? Was it meant to be? Is this a mistake? Can we fix this? Am I losing me?

I don't know. All I know is it's after 12 and I'm wide awake.

Kinda wish I was emotionless. . .

And the worst part is I feel all this and it isn't as if he cheated on me or anything like that.
I think that would kill me. . .and him.