Where Am I Going?

I think about this all the time. I'm pretty much obsessed with these thoughts. I feel like I'm spending all these days sitting in school. And for what? Will it actually help me get a job? I guess that's why I didn't want to go away. I just felt like what's the point. I like to party, but I like thinking about my future way more. And why spend thousands of dollars on school when I can stay here & get the same education. Maybe even better because NY is the best place for life experiences.

I expect so much of myself. And I'm always afraid. Afraid I won't live up to my own standards. It drives me crazy sometimes. I try to sit back and let life happen. But I've never been that type of person and I don't believe I ever will be. When I want something, I go get it. It's that simple.

But what do I do if what I want is out of reach? IDK. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. I feel like my future goals are CURRENTLY unattainable. It scares the shxt out of me. What will I be doing two years from now? Hopefully, walking across a big ass stage w| a kool aid smile on my face. After that, I'm not sure.

And THAT scares me. . .

Maybe It's Misinterpretation Not Miscommunication

Yesterday night I was speaking to one of my ex's on the phone. Somehow, we got onto the topic of dating and what it means.

Him: First dates are expensive. You take her somewhere trying to act all gentleman-like to please her. Everyone just expects a good impression. It's too much of a hassle. Especially since for most guys [excluding myself & a many others] it doesn't end in you getting what you want: the drawers.
Me: Since when was dating synonymous with sex? Sex is usually synonymous with a relationship. In my book at least.
Him: No, dating means we're not exclusive but you should still give it up ASAP. Like, why am i spending all this money to take you here & there for nothing?
Me: That's what dating is about. Getting to know where a person likes to go. What they like to eat. What you have in common. Your similarities basically. And your differences. And see if you can make a relationship out of it.
Him: Why can't I like you, start a relationship, and then get to know you? Why does dating even have to be involved? It encompasses the same things as a so called "relationship" right?
Me: NO! One, dating is not exclusive. I could be DATING three boys at the same time. A relationship is a commitment. Two, wouldn't you want to know someone is psycho before you start spending extended hours with them alone? This is what dating assists with.
Him: Why do you always assume everyone is crazy.
Me: Because I dated you.
Him: Funny. But as to exclusivity, all relationships aren't exclusive. Open relationships? Duh. And two, your date could be someplace where you're alone. That's usually what you want. So what's the difference?
Me: Idk. (Yes I said idk) Dating to me means nothing serious, non-exclusive, getting to know each other fun.
Him: To me [currently] it means nothing serious, non-exclusive, getting to know each other fun with sex and other perks included. Especially if I'm constantly putting out money.
Me: I guess it's just different interpretations. Maybe that's what's wrong with relationships. People go in thinking one thing about something and the other party comes in with a whole different idea about the same thing.
Him: First, I'm upset I understood what you just said. Two, I believe you're right.

Wow. What if we're all just communicating the wrong thing to each other. . .

The Past Haunts

I never write in this blog. Not because I don't want to. Or maybe that is just the reason. You write things down & they become permanent. You probably laugh at this. You think, "just go back and delete the blog." I could do that. But that merely hides what I was feeling. It doesn't change it. It doesn't change the fact that I expressed something that I felt. I let it out of my mind through words. It became concrete. Reality.

So I erase the blog. Are my thought any less real? Do they return to my head without consequences. No. Why? I know it's real. I understand that what I wrote was what I thought. And I can never take it back.

I never write in this blog. I'm scared of the things that will come out of my head. My fears, my joys, my understanding, my ignorance, my dreams, and my failures. It all stays inside of me. Someplace safe with a lock and a muzzle.

I should write in this blog.