Merry Christmas!

Hope everyone enjoys the day and is thankful for everything they get. A lot of people see Christmas as another day because it's not soo much of a celebration for them. Enjoy the family, friends, food and gifts.

And remember giving is better than receiving. So make someone happy! But please use protection. LOL

Who Cares About Your Friend?

You know what I hate, people always doing what their friend does.
Your friend doesn't like me? What does that have to do with me & you.
Do you live with said friend? Is said friend paying your bills?
Is said friend doing anything other than being an asshole?

Now I understand backing up a friend. I have done it many times. Only when I feel like my friend is in the right. If I feel my friend is being completely wrong & on top of that, ignorant, I will be the first one to intervene and tell them to shut up! I don't believe in judging people by what they do at one time. I don't believe in judging people at all but let's not act like it doesn't happen. People judge your appearance, speech and demeanor on a daily basis. That's the reason people dress up to work instead of going in jeans and sneakers. But I digress. My thing is if you are going to make any kind of judgment, you should be fully informed. I mean, how can you judge something [or someone] you know NOTHING about! Honestly, what can you really say? And on top of that, you're judging based on something you heard from someone who is clearly not an impartial party. Ignorance really must be bliss because some of these dumb people don't want to get off cloud 9.

And then you [a self proclaimed friend] decide to back up this foolishness. Even though you know what kind of person I am and how this would make me feel. Overlooking all the times I've stood my ground for you. When people told me you were a no good whorebag [that's a quote] I still stuck by you. And this is how you repay me? And people wonder why no one trusts anymore. . .SMH.

People spend too much time worrying about me. If you guys spent half that time worrying about you, you might actually be doing something with your life.

(Wo)Man Down!

Okay this is funny. Fast forward to 2:40 & be amazed.


Now Keyshia, please know that my heart goes out to you. This is crazy! How awkward is it when she attacks B5 (4:55). They were clearly uncomfortable with this lady. And when she said she was their godmother? If this isn't crazy, I don't know what this is. Man down code 10. Somebody save this lady!

Some Don't Know How To Change

I remember times when my friends would talk about their relationships and I would be so mad. I couldn't understand how they had found this "perfect" guy and they still were hesitating. They were cold and closed off. Not even giving this guy a chance to be everything that they wanted him to be. Whether they were 16 or 23, they were still acting the same way! Why you ask? Over some jerk that had done them bad in the past.

I didn't understand why they couldn't just let go. Life happens right? wrong. Now, I completely understand. It's hard to be hurt and just let it go. You're extra cautious and over think everything trying to not make the same mistakes. Always on the lookout for your partner's mistakes. Making little issues into big problems. All stemming from problems from past relationships that could have never worked out.

I was complaining to one of my besties about how my boyfriend didn't call when he said he would so we could have an (important) discussion. And she told me "do you know how many people would love to have your boyfriend? Hell I would. So shut the hell up and be happy!" And it was a light bulb moment.

My boyfriend and I are quite the opposites which can sometimes lead to me being pissed the hell off. But I have to remember that he is one of the best things that has happened to me. Whether we end up together or not (cause we're still young). I just don't want to drive people away anymore. Everyone has a past that shapes their future, but it shouldn't control the future. I don't care what they say, history does not always repeat itself.

Guess I do know how to change. . .just been too stubborn to do it.

Emotionless

"Don't look so sad. And mad. You're a pretty lady. He's not worth it."
- random gentleman on the train.

It's amazing how other people can look at you and read your thoughts. I got on the train hurt, angry, confused, upset and just plain mad. At him. And even now as I write this, I'm still thinking about him. I'm wondering what he's thinking. How he feels. What he wants. It makes me sick. To actually care about him as much as I care about myself, maybe even more. It's foreign to me. Like I've been infected with something I can't get rid of. Now I see what Rogue from the X-Men feels. I don't like.

"Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you. Changes its mind."
- Ingrid, from one of my favorite books.

Sometimes I believe it's so true. You put your all into something and then it's just different. Not bad, just different. Fleeting thoughts of what was and what is and what could be. Tired of the worry and always trying to be there unselfish. Some days I just want to take back what I had alone. The freedom to feel what I want. Instead, I'm forced to worry about another.

And then all these thoughts come. Was it right? Was it meant to be? Is this a mistake? Can we fix this? Am I losing me?

I don't know. All I know is it's after 12 and I'm wide awake.

Kinda wish I was emotionless. . .

And the worst part is I feel all this and it isn't as if he cheated on me or anything like that.
I think that would kill me. . .and him.