Questions.

As I grow older, I question myself more. Sometimes I wonder if I question myself too much. I can't seem to do a damn thing without thinking, "what will happen to me in the long run if I do this?" Most people would say this is a good thing. I disagree.

I feel like I'm stifling myself. Almost as if I'm not really living life. It sounds crazy but that's what it is. I feel like I'm missing out on all the things that you're supposed to do when you're young. I'm not even 21 yet but my soul feels so much older. Burdened. Heavy hearted.

I know life is about learning through experience but I think that people forget that it is the type of experiences you have that make you who you are. Serial killers aren't born that way. Neither are racists, man-haters, wife beaters, etc. Maybe life should be about something more than experience.

But maybe I say this because right now, mine seem to be going in the fck sh*t why direction...

You AIN'T a bad btch!

WTF! I'm so over these btches feeling themselves TOO MOTHERFCKING MUCH! Why does every girl feel like they're a bad btch? Explain to me HOW you're a bad btch! Fck how people are a bad btch, let me tell you when you are not, cause clearly, herein lies the issue.

1. You're not a bad btch when you can't pay for shxt yourself. Now, I'm not saying you have to be doing something crazy hard to earn this money. Motherfcking doctor or engineer. I'm saying, you must have your own. You're a fcking gold-digger? Cool. But please have that money stashed away for when he is ontothenextone. Just saying.

2. You're not a bad btch because you have a "body." Most btches who say they have a body are fat girls in spanx. Dead serious? Btch please! There are many btches who are hella skinny & still a BAD btch. With almost NO motherfcking curves. Please explain to me. Because you have a "fat" ass...AND the stomach to go with it bleh.

3. You're not a bad btch when you follow every trend out there. A bad btch does WTF she wants to when she wants to. Why are you watching trends & peeping other btches' game? Do you motherfcker! You're a trendSETTER right? Set some motherfcking trends. Please&thank you.

4. You're not a bad btch when you talk shxt behind someone's back. Now there is nobody who can say they have never said something about someone while they're not there. It's impossible. When you have any emotion occur inside of you, most likely you'll talk about it. But when you see this person & don't say SH*T, you're a sad btch, not a bad btch. Please understand & know your place.

5. You're not a bad btch if you call yourself a Barbie, bad btch, pretty much any phrase Nicki Minaj uses to describe herself. If she is your idol, the reason you use these words, kill yourself right motherfcking now. If you need any materials to assist with this task, let me know. I will provide for any in need. Thank you. A bad btch does not [I repeat NOT] need to identify herself as such, other people just know. It's a motherfcking given.

Ugh! So much more I could&should write, but I'm off that. I have music to listen to, shopping to do, and emails to return. Goodbye. And oh yeah, happy new year.

"Thick" Girls vs. Slim Chicks

Disclaimer: Fat/Large girls please, don't be upset. This is no disrespect. This is my opinion. You don't have to agree. Feel free to disagree, I'm all for it. And laugh, it's meant to be taken funny. Monique said skinny bitches are evil. I laughed, read the book and kept it moving. Still love her. Why? Cause only you can decide who and what you are. Keep that in mind.

So being a slim chick, this topic is close to my heart. LOL [I'm sorry, everyone says shxt like that so I thought I'd just take it there]

But honestly, there is an epidemic of people [of the larger persuasion] hating on slim chicks. Why is that? I don't understand what my body has to do with yours? I feel like a lot [not ALL] of "larger" chicks are insecure with their weight. That's the only explanation. And it pisses me off. The lies you tell yourself to get by are so sad. Let's run it down:

1. "Thick" girls have curves. - Might be true. The problem with this is the key word is thick. A lot of y'all are just over-motherfuxking-weight! You were not born to look like this! You just overstuffed your face and now you're a big girl. Big not thick. Therefore, your ass could be just as flat as an anorexic. I have seen many a fat girl wish for an ass, so you can't tell me shxt.

2. Slim girls [cause not every girl is skinny, they're just not big] can't cook. - I come from a Caribbean family. They teach you how to cook before you get to preschool. I was the only girl in kindergarten wondering why they gave us fake food in the kitchen area. I can cook up a variety of things thanks to my childhood. Eat that fat chicks!

3. Slim girls don't eat - Incorrect. It's been proven that slim people in general tend to overeat. People who are naturally slim tend to have a faster metabolism than the average person. They are usually active and need more energy, so their body is constantly sending hunger signals. That's why they tell you to exercise and be more active when you're younger, to speed up your metabolism, and stop childhood obesity.

4. Slim girls don't have curves. - wrong! I have seen many a slim girl built Ford tough. Please don't get it twisted. You can have a shape no matter what size you wear.

5. Slim girls tend to be hoes. - Now this one, I had to poll some dudes. I mean I just thought any girl in general could be a hoe, but my size 12 friend told me this one and I had to know. Most dudes said that they were with a lot of freaky slim chicks, but big girls overall tend to be freakier. Many believe it's because the girl felt they needed to put in more work to keep them. A lot of them talked about self-esteem issues. I don't really know about that, so I guess I'll go by them.

The list goes on, but this was a lot of typing already. Maybe I'll make this a continued series. This is going to be my topic for my independent psych study. Can't wait to get started next semester. Whoo! I see the fat mob heading for my house already. . .LMAO. Check out this youtube video I found dedicated to the big girls.

Fashion or Foolery?

My rant today? Fashion. Is it just me or does everyone dress exactly the same way? It's like you're either 80s, high fashion, or grunge. There is no in-between or variety. And I'm tired of it. Why the fuxk do you have to look like Beyonce in the Diva video every time you leave your house? You don't have Beyonce's body. So at the end of the day, you end up looking ridiculous! I see all these fat bitxhes trying to squeeze into some tight shxt because they think it's sexy. That's a no sweetie.

And dudes? Don't get me started. A dude gets a Gucci belt and thinks he's flyer that Soulja Boy, not like he should be anyone's idol anyways. Oh wow, a Gucci belt. That you probably got on sale, for your birthday, for Christmas or on Canal Street [bootleg y'all!] Ugh, I'm extremely over it. I would prefer a well-dressed gentleman with subtle name brands [if you choose to wear name brand clothing] over a flashy, LV shoes, riding on 24s, Lacoste & 25¢ chain wearing bum with credit shot to hell. Cause y'all know you buying that shxt w| money you don't have and won't be able to get.

I'm sorry, but imitation is not the best form of flattery, a compliment is and always will be number one. Admire and then do you because you can't do anyone else and damn sure not as well as they do themselves. Feel free to draw from others creativity, but twist it to fit you. Otherwise we end up with what we have know, a whole bunch of people looking exactly the same.

P.S. - Follow me on Twitter. I get bored often. LOL

If Looks Could Kill

. . .I'd be a dead bitxh!

My rant today: the female sex. What the hell is wrong with us? Every female I meet is like "don't judge a book by its cover. You have to be open and judge people on personality. Not just looks." Oh really? Then how come I am always being judged by these bitxhes? For nothing more than keeping myself groomed & up to par. I swear it's everywhere I go.

I get on the bus with a nice coat and some fly ass kicks. The rest of my outfit is fly but they can't see all that. I sit down, look around, and notice every bitxh on the bus is stealing glances at me. I kid you not, every damn female. And it's not the "I love your shoes" kinda look. It's the "who does this bitxh think she is" look. You don't even know me! You don't know anything about me and yet, you hate me. Not even disdain or dislike, but straight up hate. For no effing reason.

I hate my gender to the point that if I go on a job interview, I want a male. Not because I want to use sex appeal of any kind, but because I know I'll have a fair shot. He's going to judge me on me. Nowhere in the back of his mind is he thinking. "she's pretty, I don't need competition." Which I swear is what every female must think when they see a pretty female. It's like can we please uplift each other because who the fuxk else is going to?

Minus myself and some friends, I've never heard any female tell another that she looks sexy. What's wrong with that? If someone looks good, I'm going to say it. If I like your dress, I'm going to say it. Compliments are not illegal, nor are you putting yourself down. You're just telling it like it is.

Confidence makes a female sexy. I can see why most of you girls are single. Get it together. Talk to me when you grow up.

Man Down, Code 10

Chris Brown's career seems to be spiraling down quicker than the damn economy [if that's possible] and so it should. Putting your hands on anyone [let me make it clear, males or females] is wrong except for extreme situations. If you put your hands on anyone for a reason that isn't life-threatening, it's wrong. Yet, somehow I'm madd at this whole situation.

I'm madd Rihanna is getting all this media attention for getting her ass beat. Women around the world face worse violence on a daily basis. There are women who have acid thrown on them by their husbands. A woman was just beheaded in NY for serving her husband w divorce papers. [read here] Now I'm really sorry for Rihanna; it's a shame what Chris did. But wake up people! This is one of those "there's worst shxt in the world" cases. I hope this brings attention to the women who don't have the fame or money like Rihanna. The women that cops tell to "work it out" with their partner. The women who can't fight back. That's who I'm rooting for. Rih Rih will be just fine. She has the world behind her.

Next, why does everyone feel like Chris' music is evil incarnated? There is a difference between a musician & his music. His image, life, personality can be the total opposite of his music i.e. R.Kelly the R&B sexual predator. I refuse to stop listening to anyone song of his that I like because I have never liked him. I reiterate, never liked Chris Brown as a person, but like some of his music. Since he didn't write all of it, I don't see the need to remove him from Itunes. Please learn to separate the business from the personal. It would make life in general easier for everyone.

And those are my thoughts on this crazy situation. Waiting for the court date. . .

Dumb Broad!

I haven't blogged in a minute. busy w| getting classes, work, looking for work, and partying. It leaves me with a packed schedule. I don't even get to watch the shows I freaking DVR. But that's another story.

Why I am I writing today? Read the post title! I usually don't use that phrase. I find it offensive and demeaning. Yet sometimes, it just fits. I don't know what else to call these females that I see. Besides maybe pathetic. What's my issue you ask?

Everywhere I turn, there's a female taking crap from a dude! I'm not talking about an argument here or there, that's regular relationship stuff. I'm talking about outright verbal abuse! And for what? I do NOT understand why females continue to allow themselves to be put down, in 2009!

It's bad enough that we're still looked upon as second to males by many, but then you go and make it look like a reality. Newsflash: you can walk away. From any situation. A lot of people stay because of a fear that no one else will love them. They feel ugly. They need this person.

You don't need anyone who doesn't treat you how you deserve to be treated. Every person is unique, in whatever way. That uniqueness should be celebrated, always. Especially by the one you call your "significant other".

I'm tired of men, riding the bus and calling their girlfriend/wife a dumb whore. A slut. A needy child. You name it, I've heard it. And I'm disgusted every time. I often find myself having verbal arguments with these dudes. But at the end of the day, you can't change those who don't want to change.

That goes for the female as much as the male. If she chooses to continue to stay with him, she's taking a risk. A risk that her self-esteem will continue to lower until she has none left. A risk that the abuse can escalate to something physical. The risk that she may end up killing him because she just snaps one day.

It just pisses me off. And I know people will say, something probably happened to them in the childhood, etc. Those are excuses. Something happens to everyone, that's just fuxking life. I've had two major surgeries and stopped breathing during one. Whoop dee doo! Shit happens. You have to control your life and take responsibility for you. Because no one else will. Nor should they.

P.S. - The picture is the cast from the Vh1 show, "Tool Academy." They treat their girlfriends like utter shit and are awarded with $100,000 for it. Only in the USA.

Get With It Or Get Lost

warning: this is a rant, just to vent.

I'm so pissed right now. I hate when people try to complete change you instead of accepting you for who the fuxk you are! You knew who I was from the beginning. I didn't lie or pretend to be something I was not. I am me & that's pretty much all I can be. Gradual changes comes with growth, but a complete 180 is impossible. Just like it's impossible for an alcoholic to be cured. You can only take it one freaking day at a time. And you have to want to better yourself. And honestly, I don' think there's anything major wrong with me.

Is it wrong to say I don't care & actually NOT care?
Wrong to dress for me & ONLY me?
Wrong to say what I feel and NOT lie to you?
Wrong to be honest [brutally] when it's what you NEED to hear?
Wrong to go out & enjoy myself?
Wrong to just live my life my way WITHOUT hurting anyone?

Why the hell can't I be who I want to be. I can give a fuxk about society & fitting in & doing like everyone else. I'm nothing like anyone else. I'm ME. That's good enough for me & the rest of the people I allow in my life. And if you don't like it, fuxk off & keep it moving. It may hurt for a while, but trust me I'll live. I've lived through worse.

I wish you nothing but the best though.

Porn Is So. . .BORING!

So my male friends said girls are NOT suppose to watch porn. I guess writing this is incriminating myself. But I only really spend any time with males! I guess that's just an excuse. Oh wells, I have to discuss this.

Porn is so boring! Now, I'm not naive. I know the point of porn is to get people aroused, etc. Yet, I remember back in the days when they used to have story lines. Interesting ones at that!

My favorite was about this woman who was an assassin. She used to have sex with all her marks before she killed them. Then she had sex with one guy and fell in love cause the sex was that good. But he had been hired by 3 mothers of some of the people she killed to eliminate her. He fell in love too. So the mothers ended up fucking his brains out and then killing him. The assassin figures out what happened, killed two of the mothers. The last one was like her mentor, so of course she lost. But they ended up being a lesbian couple.

Now that was a great porno. Nowadays it seems like people are just watching Ayana Angel and Pinky fuxking a different guy every video. Barely any foreplay and it doesn't matter where they do it. Now sad to say, some men use these women as guide to the type of females they want in their lives. Even sadder to say, many guys get their sex skills from these videos.

Imagine some guy slobbing all over a girl's vagina for all of like 3 seconds and thinking he has great head game. Imagine her doing it to him for like 20 minutes and him thinking that is what foreplay entails. Then he pumps her missionary and doggy style for like 10 minutes yelling expletives and thinking he's the shit. Then imagine all of this happening in what looks like your parents' basement, shitty lighting and ugly ass never used furniture included. Ooh and don't forget the girl coming in with no bra, just a tacky fishnet outfit and him keeping his dirty ass sneakers on the whole time.

And how can I forget about the sunglasses?! Sunglasses are the new condoms! You must have them on at all times. SMH. And want really creeps me out about these cheap motel fucks? The random observers. You can see people all watching when the camera hits a mirror and I'm like who the eff is that?! Then sometimes they actually speakcheer on the fuxking couple. Am I the only one creeped out by this? Like wtf? Guess porn stars don't care about the privacy. Or awkwardness.

The future generations should be afraid, very afraid. This is what sex will be like for you. SMH!

P.S. - I think I might start petitioning for pornos to have a storyline. Who's with me?

Who Cares About Your Friend?

You know what I hate, people always doing what their friend does.
Your friend doesn't like me? What does that have to do with me & you.
Do you live with said friend? Is said friend paying your bills?
Is said friend doing anything other than being an asshole?

Now I understand backing up a friend. I have done it many times. Only when I feel like my friend is in the right. If I feel my friend is being completely wrong & on top of that, ignorant, I will be the first one to intervene and tell them to shut up! I don't believe in judging people by what they do at one time. I don't believe in judging people at all but let's not act like it doesn't happen. People judge your appearance, speech and demeanor on a daily basis. That's the reason people dress up to work instead of going in jeans and sneakers. But I digress. My thing is if you are going to make any kind of judgment, you should be fully informed. I mean, how can you judge something [or someone] you know NOTHING about! Honestly, what can you really say? And on top of that, you're judging based on something you heard from someone who is clearly not an impartial party. Ignorance really must be bliss because some of these dumb people don't want to get off cloud 9.

And then you [a self proclaimed friend] decide to back up this foolishness. Even though you know what kind of person I am and how this would make me feel. Overlooking all the times I've stood my ground for you. When people told me you were a no good whorebag [that's a quote] I still stuck by you. And this is how you repay me? And people wonder why no one trusts anymore. . .SMH.

People spend too much time worrying about me. If you guys spent half that time worrying about you, you might actually be doing something with your life.

Pet Peeves: Take 1

I had a really annoying morning. It seemed like everyone wanted to push my buttons. I decided to do a pet peeve list. Writing things out always makes me feel better.

1. When people push you to get someplace you're going with them - Living in NY, I understand the MTA situation is often frustrating and complicated. DO NOT blame that on me. Why are you almost knocking me over to get into the same train I'm walking into? AND it's not as if I walk slow, I use my long legs wisely. Please behave like your mother gave you home training. First come, first serve.

2. When people walk slow and then try to block you from passing them - Listen, I did not ask you to move at .5/mph. The average speed of a human is 3mph. My average speed is about 6mph. That means you need to get the hell out of my way. ASAP! I am probably on the brink of being late and I'm not in the mood for any shenanigans. [Only applies on streets, not in any cramped subways like the idiot the led to pet peeve #1]

3. When people try to get loud when you push them - Well if you would have let me pass you in the middle of the wide street that you somehow have managed to completely block, I wouldn't have to push you. And it was not even a push, I tried to squeeze by your fat self but as skinny as I am, I still brushed you. . .just barely. Don't let the glasses fool you, I'm from Brooklyn too.

4. When a guy says hey ma or something to that effect - Umm, I have a name. You don't know it. There's a reason for that. I don't know you nor do I want to. Especially when you dared to call me slim goodie and expected me to look. Is this how you usually get females? Or maybe you just don't get any. I see why.

5. Jumbled up messages on the subway - I finally get on a train and sit. Then I hear this bs service message that is not understandable due to the bs train speakers and the operator's thick accent. Next thing I know, the train pulls into Timbuktu. And you say you announced it? Then why is everybody on the train ready to jump you? I see why they are giving people 7years for assaulting an MTA worker. The mayor obviously knows they need the protection.

6. Girls talking very loud and ghetto - I don't want to hear about Melinda fu*king your best friend's man. I could careless. I also don't need to know the last time you got tested for an STD. From what I heard though, you'll be hitting the clinic real soon.

7. People staring at you - You are not slick. I have peripheral vision. I can see you gawking at me. Yes, I'm amazing. Look once and then look away. I don't want you. I don't want your man. Hell, I don't care if we went to preschool together.

8. Dudes arguing with the baby mommas - Oh, you just bought the baby Huggies yesterday? You're getting a job at McDonald's. You are THINKING about taking classes at a trade school. Oh yeah, who cares but you & her. Lower your voice because honestly you're just embarrassing yourself.

9. People asking me if I'm sure a MILLION times - There's a seat. I don't want to sit. You sit! Don't ask me if I'm sure 50 million times. I'm an educated young woman. I'm neither stupid or retarded, just polite. Sit down guilt free, I'm sure.

10. When people do everything they can to act like they're hot sh*t - Oh you have an IPhone? Wasn't that subsidized and don't over 5 million other people have that. You have an ITouch? Guess what bit*h, mine is engraved. And I didn't spend a dime on it. You have some Sephora lipgloss, mine is from MAC. ALDO shoes? My custom Nikes cost more than that. You have friends to talk to on the phone, me too. You have a boyfriend, me too. No need to talk all loud and attempt to draw attention to yourself. You're not as super as you think.

That's all I can remember right now. What a sucky morning! I can't wait for 5. . .All this stuff is kind of funny now that I think about it. Chuckle worthy because I'm still upset, so it can't get a full laugh.

When I Grow Up

Okay, is it just me or does almost every female want to be a model/designer/actress? It's like everyone feels they will just be discovered off the street & all of a sudden they will have a fairytale life. No one wants to put in any WORK anymore. People just want to sit back & let jobs come to them.

News flash: IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. The people who are in positions that you want to be put in work. And lot's of it. The models were entering themselves in a whole bunch of talent showcases. Designers were basically giving away their pieces. Actresses were taking lessons and growing their talent [or getting some.] Anyone who does nothing, gets nothing [unless you're born rich; wish i was you!] Put some work into it.

Oh & another thing, these are not the ONLY three careers out here for females! There are so many other amazing professions. Doctors, teachers, lawyers, psychologists, presidents, religious leaders, hell even rappers. Why are people limiting themselves to using only their outward features [which a lot of times aren't that great] to launch a whole career? There are so many other interesting things you could do with your life.

I'm tired of potential being wasted. I'm tired of my 3 year old cousin thinking she needs 3' heels. I'm tired of every girl fancying themselves a fashionista. I'm tired of all the people who claim to be original, but look like everyone else. I'm tired of everyone wearing a bright color and thinking they are retro. I'm tired of peole digging in their basement and calling clothes from the 90s vintage. I'm tired of people buying the same brands as everyone else instead of investing in growing businesses. I'm tired of everyone becoming a drone.

Dare to be waaaay different. . .