Questions.

As I grow older, I question myself more. Sometimes I wonder if I question myself too much. I can't seem to do a damn thing without thinking, "what will happen to me in the long run if I do this?" Most people would say this is a good thing. I disagree.

I feel like I'm stifling myself. Almost as if I'm not really living life. It sounds crazy but that's what it is. I feel like I'm missing out on all the things that you're supposed to do when you're young. I'm not even 21 yet but my soul feels so much older. Burdened. Heavy hearted.

I know life is about learning through experience but I think that people forget that it is the type of experiences you have that make you who you are. Serial killers aren't born that way. Neither are racists, man-haters, wife beaters, etc. Maybe life should be about something more than experience.

But maybe I say this because right now, mine seem to be going in the fck sh*t why direction...

My First Love

It was you. You that I have always wanted. You drove me to wake up every morning. You pushed. I studied hard because you inspired and intrigued me. You helped me to understand people. Why they are the way they are. Why they do the things they do. Hurt when they want to love, cry when the want to smile, etc. I've always been in love with you, even though I never dared to admit it. To admit was to trap myself with you forever. For years, I wasn't ready. And then one day, I was. I think it was in between applying to colleges and prom. I decided that you were what was best for me. You were what I wanted for the rest of my life. Suddenly, my plan was set.

You are my first love, but no longer my only. I've come to love another with the same intensity, the same passion. Each night I find comfort in the thought of spending my life with another. Not only comfort, but joy. I want to fight on the side of my new love for equality for all races. I want to continue the momentum we have. Improve the school system. Right wrongs. I want to be a hero. If to no one else, then at least to myself.

I use to think you made me a hero. I'm sure if I went with you, I still would be. A different kind. On a person to person basis. You would help me fight for their self-esteem. Their mental health. Their lives. Equally great opportunity.

I love you Psychology, but Law is just better in bed. Goodbye my love.

P.S. - I may be back next week, how about an open relationship?

Get With It Or Get Lost

warning: this is a rant, just to vent.

I'm so pissed right now. I hate when people try to complete change you instead of accepting you for who the fuxk you are! You knew who I was from the beginning. I didn't lie or pretend to be something I was not. I am me & that's pretty much all I can be. Gradual changes comes with growth, but a complete 180 is impossible. Just like it's impossible for an alcoholic to be cured. You can only take it one freaking day at a time. And you have to want to better yourself. And honestly, I don' think there's anything major wrong with me.

Is it wrong to say I don't care & actually NOT care?
Wrong to dress for me & ONLY me?
Wrong to say what I feel and NOT lie to you?
Wrong to be honest [brutally] when it's what you NEED to hear?
Wrong to go out & enjoy myself?
Wrong to just live my life my way WITHOUT hurting anyone?

Why the hell can't I be who I want to be. I can give a fuxk about society & fitting in & doing like everyone else. I'm nothing like anyone else. I'm ME. That's good enough for me & the rest of the people I allow in my life. And if you don't like it, fuxk off & keep it moving. It may hurt for a while, but trust me I'll live. I've lived through worse.

I wish you nothing but the best though.

Some Don't Know How To Change

I remember times when my friends would talk about their relationships and I would be so mad. I couldn't understand how they had found this "perfect" guy and they still were hesitating. They were cold and closed off. Not even giving this guy a chance to be everything that they wanted him to be. Whether they were 16 or 23, they were still acting the same way! Why you ask? Over some jerk that had done them bad in the past.

I didn't understand why they couldn't just let go. Life happens right? wrong. Now, I completely understand. It's hard to be hurt and just let it go. You're extra cautious and over think everything trying to not make the same mistakes. Always on the lookout for your partner's mistakes. Making little issues into big problems. All stemming from problems from past relationships that could have never worked out.

I was complaining to one of my besties about how my boyfriend didn't call when he said he would so we could have an (important) discussion. And she told me "do you know how many people would love to have your boyfriend? Hell I would. So shut the hell up and be happy!" And it was a light bulb moment.

My boyfriend and I are quite the opposites which can sometimes lead to me being pissed the hell off. But I have to remember that he is one of the best things that has happened to me. Whether we end up together or not (cause we're still young). I just don't want to drive people away anymore. Everyone has a past that shapes their future, but it shouldn't control the future. I don't care what they say, history does not always repeat itself.

Guess I do know how to change. . .just been too stubborn to do it.

Emotionless

"Don't look so sad. And mad. You're a pretty lady. He's not worth it."
- random gentleman on the train.

It's amazing how other people can look at you and read your thoughts. I got on the train hurt, angry, confused, upset and just plain mad. At him. And even now as I write this, I'm still thinking about him. I'm wondering what he's thinking. How he feels. What he wants. It makes me sick. To actually care about him as much as I care about myself, maybe even more. It's foreign to me. Like I've been infected with something I can't get rid of. Now I see what Rogue from the X-Men feels. I don't like.

"Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you. Changes its mind."
- Ingrid, from one of my favorite books.

Sometimes I believe it's so true. You put your all into something and then it's just different. Not bad, just different. Fleeting thoughts of what was and what is and what could be. Tired of the worry and always trying to be there unselfish. Some days I just want to take back what I had alone. The freedom to feel what I want. Instead, I'm forced to worry about another.

And then all these thoughts come. Was it right? Was it meant to be? Is this a mistake? Can we fix this? Am I losing me?

I don't know. All I know is it's after 12 and I'm wide awake.

Kinda wish I was emotionless. . .

And the worst part is I feel all this and it isn't as if he cheated on me or anything like that.
I think that would kill me. . .and him.

The Past Haunts

I never write in this blog. Not because I don't want to. Or maybe that is just the reason. You write things down & they become permanent. You probably laugh at this. You think, "just go back and delete the blog." I could do that. But that merely hides what I was feeling. It doesn't change it. It doesn't change the fact that I expressed something that I felt. I let it out of my mind through words. It became concrete. Reality.

So I erase the blog. Are my thought any less real? Do they return to my head without consequences. No. Why? I know it's real. I understand that what I wrote was what I thought. And I can never take it back.

I never write in this blog. I'm scared of the things that will come out of my head. My fears, my joys, my understanding, my ignorance, my dreams, and my failures. It all stays inside of me. Someplace safe with a lock and a muzzle.

I should write in this blog.