Emotionless

"Don't look so sad. And mad. You're a pretty lady. He's not worth it."
- random gentleman on the train.

It's amazing how other people can look at you and read your thoughts. I got on the train hurt, angry, confused, upset and just plain mad. At him. And even now as I write this, I'm still thinking about him. I'm wondering what he's thinking. How he feels. What he wants. It makes me sick. To actually care about him as much as I care about myself, maybe even more. It's foreign to me. Like I've been infected with something I can't get rid of. Now I see what Rogue from the X-Men feels. I don't like.

"Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you. Changes its mind."
- Ingrid, from one of my favorite books.

Sometimes I believe it's so true. You put your all into something and then it's just different. Not bad, just different. Fleeting thoughts of what was and what is and what could be. Tired of the worry and always trying to be there unselfish. Some days I just want to take back what I had alone. The freedom to feel what I want. Instead, I'm forced to worry about another.

And then all these thoughts come. Was it right? Was it meant to be? Is this a mistake? Can we fix this? Am I losing me?

I don't know. All I know is it's after 12 and I'm wide awake.

Kinda wish I was emotionless. . .

And the worst part is I feel all this and it isn't as if he cheated on me or anything like that.
I think that would kill me. . .and him.

Where Am I Going?

I think about this all the time. I'm pretty much obsessed with these thoughts. I feel like I'm spending all these days sitting in school. And for what? Will it actually help me get a job? I guess that's why I didn't want to go away. I just felt like what's the point. I like to party, but I like thinking about my future way more. And why spend thousands of dollars on school when I can stay here & get the same education. Maybe even better because NY is the best place for life experiences.

I expect so much of myself. And I'm always afraid. Afraid I won't live up to my own standards. It drives me crazy sometimes. I try to sit back and let life happen. But I've never been that type of person and I don't believe I ever will be. When I want something, I go get it. It's that simple.

But what do I do if what I want is out of reach? IDK. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. I feel like my future goals are CURRENTLY unattainable. It scares the shxt out of me. What will I be doing two years from now? Hopefully, walking across a big ass stage w| a kool aid smile on my face. After that, I'm not sure.

And THAT scares me. . .