Get With It Or Get Lost

warning: this is a rant, just to vent.

I'm so pissed right now. I hate when people try to complete change you instead of accepting you for who the fuxk you are! You knew who I was from the beginning. I didn't lie or pretend to be something I was not. I am me & that's pretty much all I can be. Gradual changes comes with growth, but a complete 180 is impossible. Just like it's impossible for an alcoholic to be cured. You can only take it one freaking day at a time. And you have to want to better yourself. And honestly, I don' think there's anything major wrong with me.

Is it wrong to say I don't care & actually NOT care?
Wrong to dress for me & ONLY me?
Wrong to say what I feel and NOT lie to you?
Wrong to be honest [brutally] when it's what you NEED to hear?
Wrong to go out & enjoy myself?
Wrong to just live my life my way WITHOUT hurting anyone?

Why the hell can't I be who I want to be. I can give a fuxk about society & fitting in & doing like everyone else. I'm nothing like anyone else. I'm ME. That's good enough for me & the rest of the people I allow in my life. And if you don't like it, fuxk off & keep it moving. It may hurt for a while, but trust me I'll live. I've lived through worse.

I wish you nothing but the best though.

Some Don't Know How To Change

I remember times when my friends would talk about their relationships and I would be so mad. I couldn't understand how they had found this "perfect" guy and they still were hesitating. They were cold and closed off. Not even giving this guy a chance to be everything that they wanted him to be. Whether they were 16 or 23, they were still acting the same way! Why you ask? Over some jerk that had done them bad in the past.

I didn't understand why they couldn't just let go. Life happens right? wrong. Now, I completely understand. It's hard to be hurt and just let it go. You're extra cautious and over think everything trying to not make the same mistakes. Always on the lookout for your partner's mistakes. Making little issues into big problems. All stemming from problems from past relationships that could have never worked out.

I was complaining to one of my besties about how my boyfriend didn't call when he said he would so we could have an (important) discussion. And she told me "do you know how many people would love to have your boyfriend? Hell I would. So shut the hell up and be happy!" And it was a light bulb moment.

My boyfriend and I are quite the opposites which can sometimes lead to me being pissed the hell off. But I have to remember that he is one of the best things that has happened to me. Whether we end up together or not (cause we're still young). I just don't want to drive people away anymore. Everyone has a past that shapes their future, but it shouldn't control the future. I don't care what they say, history does not always repeat itself.

Guess I do know how to change. . .just been too stubborn to do it.

Emotionless

"Don't look so sad. And mad. You're a pretty lady. He's not worth it."
- random gentleman on the train.

It's amazing how other people can look at you and read your thoughts. I got on the train hurt, angry, confused, upset and just plain mad. At him. And even now as I write this, I'm still thinking about him. I'm wondering what he's thinking. How he feels. What he wants. It makes me sick. To actually care about him as much as I care about myself, maybe even more. It's foreign to me. Like I've been infected with something I can't get rid of. Now I see what Rogue from the X-Men feels. I don't like.

"Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you. Changes its mind."
- Ingrid, from one of my favorite books.

Sometimes I believe it's so true. You put your all into something and then it's just different. Not bad, just different. Fleeting thoughts of what was and what is and what could be. Tired of the worry and always trying to be there unselfish. Some days I just want to take back what I had alone. The freedom to feel what I want. Instead, I'm forced to worry about another.

And then all these thoughts come. Was it right? Was it meant to be? Is this a mistake? Can we fix this? Am I losing me?

I don't know. All I know is it's after 12 and I'm wide awake.

Kinda wish I was emotionless. . .

And the worst part is I feel all this and it isn't as if he cheated on me or anything like that.
I think that would kill me. . .and him.

Maybe It's Misinterpretation Not Miscommunication

Yesterday night I was speaking to one of my ex's on the phone. Somehow, we got onto the topic of dating and what it means.

Him: First dates are expensive. You take her somewhere trying to act all gentleman-like to please her. Everyone just expects a good impression. It's too much of a hassle. Especially since for most guys [excluding myself & a many others] it doesn't end in you getting what you want: the drawers.
Me: Since when was dating synonymous with sex? Sex is usually synonymous with a relationship. In my book at least.
Him: No, dating means we're not exclusive but you should still give it up ASAP. Like, why am i spending all this money to take you here & there for nothing?
Me: That's what dating is about. Getting to know where a person likes to go. What they like to eat. What you have in common. Your similarities basically. And your differences. And see if you can make a relationship out of it.
Him: Why can't I like you, start a relationship, and then get to know you? Why does dating even have to be involved? It encompasses the same things as a so called "relationship" right?
Me: NO! One, dating is not exclusive. I could be DATING three boys at the same time. A relationship is a commitment. Two, wouldn't you want to know someone is psycho before you start spending extended hours with them alone? This is what dating assists with.
Him: Why do you always assume everyone is crazy.
Me: Because I dated you.
Him: Funny. But as to exclusivity, all relationships aren't exclusive. Open relationships? Duh. And two, your date could be someplace where you're alone. That's usually what you want. So what's the difference?
Me: Idk. (Yes I said idk) Dating to me means nothing serious, non-exclusive, getting to know each other fun.
Him: To me [currently] it means nothing serious, non-exclusive, getting to know each other fun with sex and other perks included. Especially if I'm constantly putting out money.
Me: I guess it's just different interpretations. Maybe that's what's wrong with relationships. People go in thinking one thing about something and the other party comes in with a whole different idea about the same thing.
Him: First, I'm upset I understood what you just said. Two, I believe you're right.

Wow. What if we're all just communicating the wrong thing to each other. . .